The Mental Load: a force ever present that never shows its hand.

If there was a part of motherhood that was really good at poker, it would be the mental load. (Stay with me on this one).

It's observing everyone in the room, anticipating their next move, remembering their habits, tactics and traits, strategising for the best possible outcome…all whilst maintaining the unshakable expression of one who does not give anything away. 

It’s the constant holding - of all the cards - whilst mentally you’re planning, strategising, pre-empting and planning the next move - but instead of playing for a cash money, your winnings are simply the smooth running of life, with as few trips and stumbles as possible. Sadly, there is no jackpot awaiting you at the end of your week. 

Through hours of client work, my biggest observation that women come to me with, is that they are the ones always holding these different cards. Holding the baby, the bags, the emotional temperature of the room, the worries, the hopes, the plans. Holding the to-do lists, the snacks, the big feelings and the small hands and often leaving very little space, capacity or energy to hold anything for themselves.

Sometimes it’s physical, often, most of it is invisible and this is why it can feel like a lot. The mental load isn’t just about what you do - iIt’s about what you hold and carry layered upon all of the doing. 

The Invisible Tasks That Fill Your Head

If I asked you right now to write down 3 things that are filling your head, I can bet you they’re likely things that will be on no one else's list. 

Here’s a little insight into mine, in real time:

• Research (with GP?) about ongoing medical  niggles with youngest (addition: feel guilty about, as triggered by excessive time off nursery which is annoying/inconvenient)

• Be prepped and organised this week due to eldest having very late school trip night: anticipate over tired/stimulated the next morning, everyone must REMAIN CALM

• Check in on playdate plans (long overdue) as worried I’ve neglected middle child

• Cat being weird: possible worm? Cold weather? Call vet

• Meal plan for sugar detox as health stuff going awry 

• Business growth strategy: find time to keep myself accountable (unsure when?)

This is just a mere toe dip into my mental load - and it’s exhausting just reading it back. I can guarantee you that I am the ONLY one holding all these things in my head at this point. And I’m not even annoyed that no one else is, because honestly I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone else! But it’s this sole thinking, knowing, remembering, planning, and the debriefing afterwards that can leave you feeling drained, isolated and thinking ‘there must be another way..?’

Cognitive Switching: Why You’re So Drained

One of the most exhausting parts of the mental load is cognitive switching.

You’re replying to a work email. 

Then thinking about how long nuggets take in the air fryer. 

Then remembering you need a PE kit. 

Then soothing a meltdown. 

Then feeling guilty, and quickly googling ‘homemade nuggets’. 

Then scheduling a meeting for the morning.

Your brain never gets to land, so this constant switching - between roles, responsibilities, and emotional states - is incredibly demanding on your nervous system. It’s why you can feel shattered even on days when you “haven’t done that much.”

You haven’t failed at coping - you’re just carrying too much, often alone, and flitting between them all. Dr Faye Begeti, talks about this process forcing you into ‘low power mode’ - with multi tasking actually affecting your cognitive function - there is science behind this feeling of sheer exhaustion just through carrying it all. 

Why “Just Tell Me What to Do” Isn’t Help

I’ve seen this moment with clients time and time again - the point where many women quietly lose their minds. It’s the moment their partner - or co parent, or other key part of their village - says:

“ Just tell me what to do”

or worse still…

“Give me a list”

Now this seemingly innocent request  (positively intended of course) implies that you still have to be  the one:

• Knowing what needs doing

• Deciding when it needs doing

• Remembering to ask

• Checking it’s been done

• Holding the consequences if it hasn’t

  
  

The reason it can feel so infuriating is the lack of shared responsibility and accountability. It’s essentially delegated labour - with the mental load still firmly in your hands - and no amount of ticking tasks off a list can reduce the weight of that. 

What the Mums I work with are searching for with this, it to feel that their load is lightened - ideally a whole task in its’ entirety, off their plate.

Here’s a few little steps towards this if you’re stuck in the ‘give me the list’ pattern:

1. Choose one task and sit down together to write down the entire process of this (the planning, the thinking, the delivery, the follow up) 

   
   

2. Agree on the stages - and the minimum ‘output’ of the task - keep it specific: (i.e. rather than ‘do the washing’ it might be ‘wash, dry and put away all the school uniform once a week’

   
   

3. Trial one person taking over the entire task for a month and then check back in, focus on what you have gained as a partnership or family in making these changes

   
   

It’s worth noting that there is always room for discussion around what one task can you ditch as well - the perils of the mental load is that EVERYTHING feels urgent, important and has to be done to the highest standard..and by sharing the load with another person it might be time to let go of these beliefs too. 

See if you can take one small step to lighten the load this week, and maybe you can start to relax that poker face, just a little.