Flat, flat out or Funk - What’s your flavour?

(Whatever your answer, you’ll be pleased to know  - you are NOT the problem). 

I had high hopes for this month. The end of the post Christmas comedown, the longest month of all time coming to a close. The promise of lighter days, spring shoots, birds chirruping, half term hangs with friends and then after that..Spring, could it be…??!

But if I'm totally honest I feel let down. Deceived. Hoodwinked. Possibly Delulu. The victim of some sort of trickery that February has done me over somehow - and I’m not happy.

Are you there Spring?! It's me, Helly!

Ok I hear you cry - we’re only 9 days in, THERE IS HOPE. And let’s just address the enormous greyest of grey elephant in the room that is seeping deep into all of our souls this month - THIS WEATHER. Not helping, one little bit.

But I’m talking about something that runs a little deeper, that you might be feeling too - and I want you to know, there is a reason for this -and probably not the one that you think. 

Are you feeling flat out, overwhelmed, or pulled in a million directions at the moment? Maybe flat, a little detached, like you can’t quite  access that get up and go you know is buried somewhere underneath? Maybe just in a mega funk you cannot shake and you’ve lost the will to even try?

If yes, you are not alone. I have a theory which I’m seeing play out with my clients at the moment and comes from the cycle of always giving out to others and never replenishing our stores, with a constant background hum of our own inner critic.

Yours might sound like this: 

‘ why are you finding this hard?’ 

or 

‘you just need to keep going - everyone else can cope!’

or

‘ you’re obviously doing something wrong if it feels this difficult’

or

‘ this is what you wanted isn’t it? You should just be grateful and get on with it!’

Basically, our inner critics are the BOMB at telling us that we, in fact are, the problem. 

Why our inner critics are just plain wrong

The women I’m working with are all busy Mums juggling work, life, kids, the house, life admin, the school run,  the systemic failings for working parents, the motherhood penalty, the patriarchy - and you know, what the heck we’re all going to eat for dinner every day. So, quite a bit.

But not only that, lest we forget, we are only in early Feb and still reeling from the high octane crazy period of being chief magic maker at christmas (whilst also employee, wife, daughter, sister, care giver, manager, mentor, emotional shock absorber…etc etc). I maintain that if you are the one shouldering the majority of the festive stuff (the fun, joyous stuff, the boring admin stuff, the little extras to make it special, the family dynamics, and all the rest) you need a good few weeks to just land after all of that in December.

And yet…we are propelled into the new year with major expectations for new versions of ourselves, mega life goals to smashed before Q1 is out and a 21 step wellness routine we’re expected to kick off at 5am each day. All whilst trying to get tired kids out of the house, in the dark and the damp, who have no desire to do anything but stay home in a onesie with a nintendo switch and hot chocolate on tap (anyone elses?!)

Above all else though, I think the greatest catalyst for this flat out/flat/just plain funk cycle we’re all stuck in just now, is our old friend, The Mental Load. 

The mental load creates a state of chronic background stress. Even when you stop, your brain doesn’t. And that’s why rest - real, physical rest, if/when you can get it - often doesn’t quite touch it.

You can take 5 minutes on the sofa, get an early night, or even take some time off but you may still be feeling this underlying energy sapping force. And this is the one that never tends to stop.

It’s:

• Tracking what hasn’t been done

• Replaying what you forgot

• Planning what’s coming next

  
  

….meaning your nervous system never truly settles. It isn’t always a  lack of rest (although that may also be at play) - it’s lack of relief, a moment to relinquish responsibility and just switch the hell off. 

So - what can we do?!

If you’ve been here for a while, you know I am ALWAYS here for the getting this stuff out in the open - the messy, splurgey feeling of ‘I feel like this and it feels a bit crap!’...

BUT I am equally here for the ‘ And what can we do now?’ 

Here’s a few pointers I’ve been discussing in client sessions lately that I hope can help you move through the feeling of ‘stuckness’ this week:

1. Sharing Tasks ≠ Sharing Responsibility

   
   

This is the piece that’s so often missed - but often the main bit that fuels the mental load. It’s the thinking behind a task - not the doing. So, the knowing, the remembering, the deciding, the organising, the mental notes, the follow-ups. You can “share tasks” and still carry the entire load if you’re the only one holding the overview -which many women are. 

TRY IT OUT: Sit down with your partner or someone who you share the load with (whether that’s childcare, domestic stuff, or a specific area like drop offs and pickups. This can include any paid help you have too.) Decide on 1 area of the mental load you would like to fully have off your list. Talk through the steps of this task in granular detail with the other party, agreeing on what needs to be done in the process and how, and then do a trial period of that person taking it on entirely. Schedule a time to check in with them at a later date to see how things are working.

NB: You will need to exercise your skills of relinquishing control. Ask yourself ‘ Would I rather this done exactly as I would have it, or just done - and off my plate’?

2. When You’re Drowning in Mental Load Overload…

   
   

If this feels familiar - your head is full and your patience is thin  - try asking yourself one simple question.

What REALLY matters today?

It can’t be ‘everything’ - and definitely not  what you should do or what other people expect. Just the one thing that, if done, would let you go to bed tonight feeling quietly satisfied.

TRY IT OUT:  If you’re struggling to pick just 1 thing, get your entire to-do list down on paper and then categorise it into ‘Do, Delegate, Delay (schedule for another time) or Ditch (get rid)’. This will help you whittle down to the absolute essentials.

3. When you just can’t shift the funk

   
   

Sometimes, with the best will in the world, we just cannot access the energy, enthusiasm or  eagerness to do…well anything. So I am just giving you a huge permission slip to to experience this too. 

Remind yourself of the context (the mental load, the juggle, the WEATHER)

Trust yourself that this too shall pass 

Allow the inner critic  to just do their thing - you know what it’s saying is not the truth.

Whatever your flavour this month, I hope this has helped you move through.