We're giving and not gaining...again.

Why Are We Still Asking Women to Give More?

On the theme of last week’s blog - where I wrote about my slightly complicated relationship with rest - the idea of women resting has been on my mind again a lot this week.

Partly because I’m still figuring it out in real life. 

Rest is one of those concepts that sounds simple, but when you actually try to do it, it can feel strangely uncomfortable. Like you’re doing something you’re not quite allowed to do,and if you try it then someone is going to come along and blast a megaphone in your ear shouting ‘GET UP YOU LAZY SLUG!’ at any given moment (i.e. not a restful prospect).

I’m not a napper. Unless I’m home alone and have actively planned to lie down, I just can’t seem to go and flop for half an hour. And the enforced migraine ones definitely don’t count - migraines scream many things, but ‘restful’ is not one of them. 

But I am getting better at finding little slivers of rest in my day. Sometimes that’s twenty minutes watching the most deliciously trashy TV I can find - me a reality TV star spin off or someone tidying someone else's house and I am a happy woman. Sometimes it’s stepping outside for a quick blast of fresh air and a walk that I find genuinely find energising. Sometimes it’s putting my phone in another room and quietening the hum of distraction for 10 mins. 

With the kids, I’m also trying to do more sitting about with them, rather than using their downtime (usually involving a screen) as the moment to whizz around the house trying to do absolutely everything before I hear the Bluey theme tune come round again. And  honestly, that’s restful and also fun and cute and they just love it more than anything. 

And even at weekends, I’m shifting things slightly. Instead of totally kid-focused outings where I spend two hours crouched inside a sticky soft play tunnel questioning my life choices, we’re doing more things that work for everyone - like inviting our oldest friends to come and stay, eating nice food, and generally hanging out. Of course there are increasing numbers of children involved in these situations  - but I’m getting more comfortable with the idea that they don’t need me hovering constantly to keep them entertained. Last weekend I looked outside and realised one child was completely caked in mud from head to toe, and the other was happily drinking from the garden tap on a brisk February morning. But if it meant I got to finish my coffee and chat to our lovely friends about everything and nothing for a sweet moment, I am truly,  honestly, good with that. 

This is because for me right now, rest doesn’t look like spa days or silent meditation retreats - and I’m guessing if you’re here, reading this, scrolling between school runs, zoom meetings, weekly shops and birthday party drops - it doesn’t for you either. So what do we have instead? 

Right now, I can potentially take small, impromptu moments where I stop trying to manage everything and let life unfold a bit around me, for my r+r. The cups of coffee sat in the sun for 5. The slobbing under a blanket with my biggest 2, cheering on Gladiators with all our might. The morning walk after an intensive week of juggling it all where I can stare at the sky and let my jumbled thoughts bounce about a bit and maybe start to land a little. 

But if I’m honest, even these small snippets of rest still  feel slightly uncomfortable, it feels counterintuitive, a little weird. Which brings me onto my big question this week:

Why does rest feel so difficult for so many women?

The short answer is: because we have been trained to feel this way.

Most women don’t consciously decide that resting would make them feel guilty - and would never choose this viscerally uncomfortable feeling when attempting to slow down or stop.

What I’ve realized is, we have learned it -slowly, through millions of tiny messages and influences absorbed over a lifetime.

“Don’t be selfish” 

“Good girls help” 

“Be grateful” 

“Other people have it worse” 

“Mums just get on with it”

“ You can have it all”

Individually, these messages don’t sound particularly sinister but over time, they build a very powerful association in our brains:

Putting yourself first = doing something wrong.

So now, even when we logically know we need rest, support, or boundaries…our nervous system still sounds the alarm (cue the megaphone). We get that heavy, uncomfortable feeling when we stop, we feel guilty when saying no, we feel the urge to justify or explain when we take time for yourself - or simply try and hold a boundary. 

But what is really important to know is these thoughts and feelings are not the truth - it’s the conditioning speaking, most likely through a megaphone.

And it runs deep because, historically, it has served a purpose: society relies on women being the ones who:

• Anticipate needs before they’re spoken

•  Hold everything together

•  Smooth over problems

• Absorb emotional labour

•  Keep families and workplaces quietly functioning

  
  

If women collectively stopped doing those things  - or even stepped back slightly -  the entire system would have to shift. So guilt becomes the invisible mechanism that keeps everything running. It hums away in the background saying - Don’t stop,  Don’t ask for what you need,  Don’t take up space, Just keep on going and pushing through. 

And that does sound sinister tbh. 

Yet most of us never question it, and often won’t even notice it - I still have to catch myself and call it out when needed and this is what I coach. It’s a sneaky mistress. And one which I think can worm it’s way into all manner of things, including…

International Women's Day.

Now, I know it’s not a new idea that IWD campaigns can sometimes feel a bit… off.  The corporate slogans, branded cupcakes, panels about empowerment sponsored by companies with very questionable maternity policies. It can give a bit of a pink-washing vibe without muchy real substance behind it.

And yet..I love International Womens’ Day. I love that it’s an anchor for women to come together to connect, empower each other, recognise each other’s successes, I love that the corporate element makes it for men too and perhaps entices men into the room where these discussions are taking place, maybe for the first time. I love that my 9 year old daughter is pumped about it, and we talk about how it’s only here because of the women who have gone before us, who have fought for it, and paved the way to so much progress that we now live and breathe the benefits of every day. 

But this year’s theme made me pause.

“Give to gain.”

It made my heart do a little sink. Because if there’s one message women do not need more of right now, it’s the idea that the path forward involves giving more of ourselves.

More energy. More emotional labour. More expending. More holding. More load. More smiling through it all.

Women already give a lot.

Statistically, we do more unpaid labour at home. We carry the majority of the mental load in families. We take on disproportionate caring responsibilities. And in many workplaces, we are still the ones quietly keeping things running behind the scenes.

So when the message of empowerment becomes “give more to gain more,” it feels like we’ve slightly missed the point. What if the shift we actually need isn’t more giving? What if it’s more permission to stop giving quite so much?

What if it’s about empowering women to figure out what they do actually need (rather than bombarding them with aspirational options of what they should).

What if it’s about saying ‘have a bloody rest but make that rest what you need it to be - trash TV, a sit down coffee, a morning with your oldest friends rather than at a farm park.’

What if it’s women openly saying ‘I haven’t got it all’, I’m dropping balls and I’m good enough. And so are you.’

What if our friends, colleagues, neighbours and family said ‘I’m coming over to do X,Y,Z’ rather than ‘let me know what I can do to help!’...

And in turn we learnt to say ‘I really could do with your help right now’

What if it’s about men saying ‘ We see you, we understand, we know how much capacity you give to everything and realise the untapped potential and power of women if they didn’t have to spend so much time on the mental load , so I’ve sorted all the laundry and the meal prep for the month, I’m just off to deep clean the dishwasher, here have a coffee’.

I'm not sure what the slogan would be for THAT International Women’s Day, but I am here for those conversations to be happening instead.