Let's Tit for Tat shall we?

What’s Your Tit-for-Tat Line? You know the one.

The phrase that lives in the back of your mind, just waiting to be plucked like a toy in an arcade grabber machine and plonked on the table in front of you in the heat of an argument. The phrase dancing on the tip of your tongue as your resentment rises - sharp, loaded, and carrying the weight of approximately ten thousand unacknowledged things.

“Well I’ve done every single sleepless night”

“ Yep already thought of that - I’ve been planning that for weeks”

“Well I've been working much harder!”

“I am definitely more tired than you”

These aren’t just things we say -  these are the receipts. The running tally of everything we’ve carried, quietly  - and largely invisibly. And it’s this moment when the ‘behind the scenes’ activity suddenly needs to be centre stage. 

So let’s do a little share today - what’s yours?

Because most of us have one. A headline. A go-to. The sentence that, when we finally burst out with it (usually mid-argument, always at the worst possible moment), it feels like it’s holding the entire weight of everything we haven’t been able to say.

And for a moment it feels so good, such a relief, like such a mic drop moment of triumph - before being quickly followed with a side of guilt, shame or even fuel for more rage. Like pressing on a bruise the moment feels delicious, the aftermath leaves you sore. 

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to notice that these lines are not actually about the argument. They never are.

They’re about the invisible load that sits underneath - the mental gymnastics of managing everyone’s schedules, emotions, dietary preferences and social lives. The physical relentlessness of small children, big feelings, sleepless nights and taxi duties. The emotional labour of smoothing dynamics, softening edges, noticing what everyone needs before they even know they need it themselves. The thinking, the planning, the remembering, the anticipating - all of it, all the time, often on top of ‘just your day job’. 

When you’re carrying that much, for that long- without much recognition or relief, and heck knows parenting is a thankless beast - resentment starts to quietly build. Sometimes it simmers. Sometimes it boils. And sometimes it comes out in a flash of rage that surprises even you - directed at a partner, a parent, a friend who says the wrong thing at the wrong moment.

I’m not a relationship coach. That’s not my lane.

But I am deeply invested in helping the mums I work with to understand what’s actually happening in those moments - before the blowup, before the argument, before the words come out in ways that don’t quite capture what they really mean.

What I’m really into, is the layer underneath every tit-for-tat line - because if you dig deep enough, there will be a need there, that hasn’t been named and certainly hasnt been fulfilled.

👀For some women, it’s a need to be seen - someone to acknowledge what I’m doing, even just once.

💐For others it’s a need to be thanked - something tangible even - flowers, some Tony’s chocoloney, a gesture or physical sign that it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

📣For some it’s a need for a sounding board -someone who will just listen without fixing or defending. 

🧹And for others it’s entirely practical: I need help. A cleaner. Someone to walk the dog. A meal kit. One less thing on my list.

The need is always there. We just don’t usually get far enough beneath the surface to find it - because who has the time? And therein lies the real trap. The de-prioritisation of ourselves runs so deep, for so long, that we don’t even know what we need anymore. We’ve lost the habit of asking. And so instead of a conversation about needs, we get an argument based on tit-for-tat.

So I’m asking you now, in this quieter moment: what do you actually need?

Not what you think you should need. Not the most reasonable, least inconvenient answer. What would actually help? What would make you feel less alone in it?

Is it something practical? Someone to listen? Headspace? A full nights sleep? A moment of joy? Someone to rant to? A day off whatsapp? A long walk? An uninterrupted cup of tea?*

If we can start to find that answer - even just for ourselves, even just in a moment of pause - we give ourselves a chance to communicate it. Clearly, calmly, before we’re running on empty and the arcade grabber comes for our deepest darkest one liners. 

Your go-to line is telling you something and I think it’s worth listening to.

*If you're ready to start listening to what you truly need, let's chat. My job is to help you start to meet these needs, and change how you feel for you.